TATER

Saturday afternoon was spent in the above establishment, Tatu Tattoo, in the neighborhood known as Wicker Park, in Chicago.  Typical of many such establishments, it is in tasteful disarray, each booth decorated by the whim of its current tenant.  While styles of taste and art often clash, I find a sedate comfort in the competing arenas, which most might find a bit jarring.  I felt a bit nostalgic as I entered their doors, was hit with the buzzing of the machinery, and took in all the old and new flash art covering most of the available spaces on the walls.  I've heard people say, that once you start down the road of body art, it is very difficult to stop the forward journey.  I am inclined to agree, as today marks the fourth time I have sat in the comfortable black chair.

I only have two tattoos at this point, but my first was done by a "scratcher", and had to be reworked and embellished two more times.  For those of you that are not inclined to partake in the art of tattooing as the recipient, I thought you may find the step by step description somewhat interesting.  I therefore documented the experience with my iphone camera, so you could go on this journey with me.

The first step is to divine an idea or symbol, which you will enjoy or take meaning from every time you view it, for the rest of your natural life.  If you are not careful with this decision, you may wind up with a chili pepper or four leaf clover on your ass (like the poor young woman next to me), which will invariably be lasered off, or covered over at a later, more sober time in your life.   My choice for today was a small piece on the inside of my forearm.  It is a Celtic knot in a circle, with a Latin phrase that encompasses the outside of the knot.  "Amore est vitae essentia", which translates to "Love is the essence of life".   After a young teen and early adulthood fueled by anger, depression, and escapism, I came to this pearl of wisdom after walking a rocky and difficult road.  The knot to me represents love without end, and the words speak for themselves.  I chose this symbol as a daily reminder to what is of true importance in my life, my circle of loved ones, friends and family.

The endorphin rush of being tattooed, is intense.  I could feel the excitement and first rush of adrenalin the moment I walked in the doors and heard the buzzzzzzz of the tattoo machines in the background.  My first artist of choice, Su Houston, is currently tattooing at Rising Dragon in Manhattan.  I was faced with the decision to forego the piece until my trip to New York, or to leaf through the portfolios and find another artist.  I chose the later, and worked with a fine young man by the name of Allie Sider.  Here he is:

Mugging for the camera, and exhibiting his fine sense of humor.  He was a joy to work with, and as it turns out, we had much in common.  He originally studied photography, and his girlfriend is currently searching for an assistant position at a photo studio.  I may be able to lend a hand in that regard...

 

The next step in the process is for your artist to transfer your idea to a special paper, which he/she then applies to the area you wish to work on.  I provided Allie with the knot design and the phrase I wanted, and he selected a nice font, and embellished the design with his own creativity.

You can see the design transfer laying on his workstation, next to the tattoo machine (they don't like us calling it a gun, btw).  His work area was immaculate when I sat down, this shot was taken midway through my tattoo.

The artist then shaves and disinfects the area of application, and sprays your skin and the transfer piece with a solution which enables the ink to transfer to your body.

The snappy blue gloves are in place to protect the artist and the recipient from blood bourn pathogens.  Each artist is required by the owner to study for and successfully pass a health and sterilization class, followed up each year with a refresher course and certification.  He has now successfully transferred the pattern, and will now commence to outline the piece with a very fine single pointed needle.  It took me right back to kindergarten coloring, as I watched him meticulously etch the lines, outside of which he will not stray!

Here we have the beginning salvo of pain, ink and blood, and the release of intense and pleasurable endorphins.

See how intense and concentrated Allie is?  I told him right before he started, that if he slipped up and made a mistake on the outline, I was going to grab his contraption and  Tattoo his eyeball with it.  Just trying to illustrate  the essence of life for him...

 Ouch.

Here are some of the process shots.  First he loads the needle with ink, then he fills me with pain, then he wipes the area free of ink and blood, in order to see what the hell he is doing!

In this picture, you can see that he has finished the lettering and outlining, and has commenced to shading in, and giving the art dimension.  This is accomplished my switching needles to a shading variety, which is actually four or five tiny needles packaged together as one, all in a row. 

This image is blurry because I was actually shaking when I took it.  Because the art is on the inside of my right forearm, I had to hold my arm in a very awkward position, and I was shaking a bit from being too tired to hold it there.  We took a little break after this shot.  Shading is more painful than the outlining, because the artist has to rake the needles back and forth over the same area in rapid succession.  He used three different levels of dilluted ink (thinned with witch hazel) to achieve the different shades of grey.

Here we are all finished, and feeling very hopped up and happy.  Already thinking of what might be my next piece...

I was tagged by Willym to answer the infamous Quad meme that has been circling through all of our blogs, but I will not be tagging anymore of you to do this, as you all have already been hit!

Four Jobs I Have Had In My Life 

• Restaurant Owner/Manager
• Food Photographer
• Claims Analyst for United Health Care
• Human Resources Assistant for The Palmer House Hilton

I Have had many more jobs than this of course, including being a Starbuck's Barista, a Bartender, Wait person, Lawn Boy, Pharmacy employee, too long to list.  My current career as a Food Photographer is going on ten years, and I will probably do it until I retire.  LOVE MY JOB!

Four Movies I Would/Have Watched Over and Over

• The Godfather
• On The Waterfront
• All Hitchcock Films
• West Side Story

Four Places I Have Lived

• Tulsa Oklahoma
• Chicago
• South Miami Beach
• Minneapolis

Four TV Shows That I Watch

• Friday Night Lights
• The Wire (sadly its over)
• Top Chef
• Brothers and Sisters

Four Places I Have Visited 

• Boston
• Seattle
• Portland
• Sante Fe

New York, Ft Lauderdale (lived there), most of the US, but sadly, I haven't traveled much out of the country .

Four People Who Email Me Regularly 

• My Niece Gail
• Al
  
• Anthony
  
• Stephen
  

Four Favorite Foods 

• Anything fresh and cooked at home !
• Black Truffles freshly shaved on anything
• Pastry Cream
• Sushi

Four Places I Would Like To Be Right Now

•  Rome
• Hawaii
• Barcelona
• Whistler

Four Things I am Looking Forward To This Year

• New York City in May
• Canada this summer
• Fishing with my brother and nephews
• Trip to Rome with Jim, perhaps in the fall

That is all I got, and the rest of you are off the hook! 

It has been a busy couple of weeks at home, and at the studio.  Spring cleaning of both abodes brought about the feelings of accomplishment, that can only be achieved through the combined odors of vinegar and ammonia, and the feeling of steel wool pads upon calloused fingertips.  With both houses in order, there is a feeling of contentment, and the readiness to begin anew, an eagerness born of organization and the parsing down of useless material objects to those deemed necessary.

The Easter break was a welcome relief from the chores of the week, and Jim and I were undeniably prepared for a trip to the country to visit my parents, My sister, her partner, and the kids.  Having grown up in a southern theme household, I ignored the admonishment "not to bring a thing but yourselves", and made sure that we prepared and brought along 4 racks of lamb, and fresh flowers for my mother's table.  To not do so,would not have been remarked upon directly, but would not have been in accordance to ingrained sense of propriety and manners.    My sister brought home made soda bread (absolutely delicious), and also brought Jim and I a dozen of her farm fresh eggs, laid that very morning.  Mom had prepared a turkey, several salads, baby new potatoes, carrots, and asparagus, to round out the groaning table.  My sister's kids were slightly intrigued but turned off to the idea of eating lamb, but were encouraged to give it a go.  Distaste and wrinkled noses, soon gave way to hearty appetite;  my youngest nephew managing to polish off half a rack off lamb by himself.

All in all, a fabulous meal, made even better by the the communal good will, love, and enjoyment of those sharing the table.  One remarkable moment occurred before we sat down to eat, one that I won't soon forget.  My father put his arms around me in the kitchen and exclaimed in a happy and loud voice:  "I just love this guy!  You are a fine son."  It was made better by the very fact that it wasn't some rehearsed or proper acknowledgement, but a heartfelt and spur of the moment declaration.  It has taught me that there is healing in forgiveness, and that there is definitely virtue in patience.  Had I never made the steps at reconciliation with my father, nor had the patience and willingness to see it through, I am sure this feel good moment would have not occurred.  As many of you know, my father is battling dementia/Alzheimer's, and time is of the essence in our relationships with him.  I am so very thankful to have been given the chance to hear those words from my father, knowing he meant them from the soul.  Easter has been very, very good to me.

I  awoke abruptly to the feel of a tongue on my cheek, and felt the hot breath of my excited pup, letting me know it was time for the doing of business, to be followed in no uncertain terms, by a dog biscuit.  I let out a sigh of relief, thankful the dream I had been enduring, was finally to become a distant and cloudy recollection.  It had all started with such brilliant promise, only to derail horrendously, resulting in my utter humiliation on national television.

I met this bloke, Daniel Craig, at a Caribou Coffee shop somewhere in my dreamscape of Metropolisville, and he commenced to chatting me up.  He confessed his loneliness, being new to town, and was really looking for some "company".  Being ever so nuanced and clever in my dreams, I immediately picked up on his desire to sleep with me, uttered a witty and brilliant retort, and within five minutes we were miraculously opening the door to the bedroom of my amazingly roomy, and impeccably designed, Manhattan loft. 

He was upon me at once, all hands and eagerness, whispering his intentions, and telling me of his desires.  He told me that when he saw me, he had hoped for this very moment... and this is where things started to get, well... strange. 

"How could James Bond, possibly find me attractive?  I am at best, a 004 to his 007, on the seven point scale."

Instead of enhancing my performance, his fervent grinding and praise only lead to my inability to accept this godly gift from the universe.  I knew I had to try, but I also knew that I had little chance to fulfill this man's licentious needs, and become the source of his unending affection and cravings.

That is when the cheers started.

I looked up frantically as Daniel and I were coming to a tense finish, to see hundreds if not thousands of hands waving in the air.  I saw placards with our names emblazoned on them being held aloft by teeny boppers, middle aged housewives, Gay couples holding hands, and even a biker and celebrity chef or two.  We fumbled the bed sheets about us and stood to signal our conclusion, eyes and mouths open wide in our surprise, as we looked out at the sea of people clapping and whistling.  The spotlights were signaled, and there to my horror, sat the three judges of the apocalypse enshrined in their leather backed executive thrones.  Randy, Paula, and Simon, laughing and smiling amongst themselves, as they waited for the audience reaction to wind down.

"Yo,....Yo, Yo Dawg!  I gotta be honest and tell you it wasn't my favorite performance!  DUDE!  Yo dawg, listen up yo.  It was just alright for me, dude.  Honestly?  Your erection started out okay, but got a little pitchy towards the middle and end.  I give you MAD PROPS for your partner choice, yo, but Daniel's a bit out of your league.  If your gonna do Daniel, Dawg, you gotta BRING IT!  It was a solid effort, but it left me a little flat dude."

"Uh, okay Randy.  I guess I can see what you mean, I was a little nervous.  I didn't pick the partner, It was like he picked me.  I just had to do it, you know?"  I defensively replied.

"I'm going to have to disagree with Randy."  (crowd cheers) "I thought your erection was fine, and that your technique was star quality!  You may have been a little nervous, and slightly pitchy once or twice, but I gotta tell you...you made up for it in, by, uh, the color of your heart and desire...it was a beautiful rainbow, honey...I could sense your passion...like purple clouds of joy...I just love you, and want you to know that you're going to make it no matter what.  It takes alot of courage to open yourself up on stage, and be vulnerable and horny at the same time, in front of millions.  I just think you are huggable and scrunchy, and I want your plaster bust on the hood of my Mercedes!"

"Thank you???"

"What absolute rubbish Paula!  What does that tripe even mean, for christsakes?  Look Tate,  this just wasn't your best performance.  This is the top twelve, and if you can't summon up your best performance, you are not going to make it. (boos from the crowd, with some mixed laughter).  Oh do shut up!  I am stating my opinion.  Look,  frankly I thought your partner choice was dreadful, your performance was nervous and hesitant, I don't even think you really reached climax!  It was karoke sex, and frankly I found it amateurish and boring.  It was like watching a bloody high school musical in Missouri, directed by the driver's ed teacher.  I think your partner outclassed you, and that your entire performance was entirely forgettable."

"Okay Simon.  I guess I can see your point, I kinda thought Daniel was out of my league as well-"

"I thought you were gre-a-t!  Simon's a bit grumpy cause he's not getting any!"  *chuckle chuckle*

"Thank you Ryan, but I think Simon had a point, but it's like my dream, ya Know?  Might as well go big or go home!"

"You did go BIG! Ha Ha Ha!"

"Oh my God, Seacrest!  What the fuck?  Stop licking my face!!!"

If you want to vote for Tater, dial 877 555 5555 and punch in 0004.... 

 New Post In Private Area

I don't know who the author of this is, but I received it today via e-mail.  Please refer to this resume, when deciding whether or not to vote next November.  I'm hoping you will vote for the Democrat, no matter who gets the nomination.

RESUME

GEORGE W. BUSH

1600 Pennsylvania Avenue

Washington, DC 20520

EDUCATION AND EXPERIENCE:

Law Enforcement:
I was arrested in Kennebunkport, Maine, in 1976 for driving under the influence of alcohol. I pled guilty, paid a fine, and had my driver's license suspended for 30 days. My Texas driving record has been "lost" and is not available.

Military:
I joined the Texas Air National Guard and went AWOL. I refused to take a drug test or answer any questions about my drug use. By joining the Texas Air National Guard, I was able to avoid combat duty in Vietnam.

College:
I graduated from Yale University with a low C average. I was a cheerleader.

PAST WORK EXPERIENCE:

I ran for U.S. Congress and lost.

I began my career in the oil business in Midland, Texas , in 1975. I bought an oil company, but couldn't find any oil in Texas. The company went bankrupt shortly after I sold all my stock.

I bought the Texas Rangers baseball team in a sweetheart deal that took land using taxpayer money.

With the help of my father and our friends in the oil industry (including Enron CEO Ken Lay), I was elected governor of Texas.

ACCOMPLISHMENTS AS GOVERNOR OF TEXAS:

I changed Texas pollution laws to favor power and oil companies, making Texas the most polluted state in the Union. During my tenure, Houston replaced Los Angeles as the most smog-ridden city in America.

I cut taxes and bankrupted the Texas treasury to the tune of billions in borrowed money.

I set the record for the most executions by any governor in American history.

With the help of my brother, the governor of Florida, and my father's appointments to the Supreme Court, I became President of the United States, after losing by over 500,000 votes.

ACCOMPLISHMENTS AS PRESIDENT:

I am the first President in U.S. history to enter office with a criminal record.

I invaded and occupied two countries at a continuing cost of over one billion dollars per week.

I spent the U.S. surplus and effectively bankrupted the U.S. Treasury.

I shattered the record for the largest annual deficit in U.S. history.

I set an economic record for most private bankruptcies filed in any 12-month period.

I set the all-time record for most foreclosures in a 12-month period.

I set the all-time record for the biggest drop in the history of the U.S. stock market. In my first year in office, over 2 million Americans lost their jobs and that trend continues.

I'm proud that the members of my cabinet are the richest of any administration in U.S. history. My "poorest millionaire, " Condoleezza Rice, has a Chevron oil tanker named after her.

I set the record for most campaign fund-raising trips by a U.S. President.

I am the all-time U.S. and world record -holder for receiving the most corporate campaign donations.

My largest lifetime campaign contributor, and one of my best friends, Kenneth Lay, presided over the largest corporate bankruptcy fraud in U.S. history, Enron.

My political party used Enron private jets and corporate attorneys to assure my success with the U.S. Supreme Court during my election decision.

I have protected my friends at Enron and Halliburton against investigation or prosecution. More time and money was spent investigating the Monica Lewinsky affair than has been spent investigating one of the biggest corporate rip-offs in history. I presided over the biggest energy crisis in U.S. history and refused to intervene when corruption involving the oil industry was revealed.

I presided over the highest gasoline prices in U.S. history.

I changed the U.S. policy to allow convicted criminals to be awarded government contracts.

I appointed more convicted criminals to my administration than any President in U.S. history.

I created the Ministry of Homeland Security, the largest bureaucracy in the history of the United States Government.

I've broken more international treaties than any President in U.S. history.

I am the first President in U.S. history to have the United Nations remove the U.S. from the Human Rights Commission.

I withdrew the U.S. from the World Court of Law.

I refused to allow inspector's access to U.S. "prisoners of war" detainees and thereby have refused to abide by the Geneva Convention.

I am the first President in history to refuse United Nations election inspectors (during the 2002 US election)

I set the record for fewest numbers of press conferences of any President since the advent of television.

I set the all-time record for most days on vacation in any one-year period. After taking off the entire month of August, I presided over the worst security failure in U.S. history

I garnered the most sympathy ever for the U.S. after the World Trade Center attacks and less than a year later made the U.S. the most hated country in the world, the largest failure of diplomacy in world history.

I have set the all-time record for most people worldwide to simultaneously protest me in public venues (15 million people), shattering the record for protests against any person in the history of mankind

I am the first President in U.S. history to order an unprovoked, pre-emptive attack and the military occupation of a sovereign nation. I did so against the will of the United Nations, the majority of U.S. Citizens and the world community.

I have cut health care benefits for war veterans and support a cut in duty benefits for active duty troops and their families in wartime.

In my State of the Union Address, I lied about our reasons for attacking Iraq and then blamed the lies on our British friends.

I am the first President in history to have a majority of Europeans (71%) view my presidency as the biggest threat to world peace and security.

I am supporting development of a nuclear "Tactical Bunker Buster," a WMD.

I have so far failed to fulfill my pledge to bring Osama Bin Laden to justice.

RECORDS AND REFERENCES:

All records of my tenure as governor of Texas are now in my father's library, sealed and unavailable for public view.

All records of SEC investigations into my insider trading and my bankrupt companies are sealed in secrecy and unavailable for public view.

All records or minutes from meetings that I, or my Vice-President, attended regarding public energy policy are sealed in secrecy and unavailable for public review.  I specified that my sealed documents will not be available for 50 years.